tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 18, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EST
>> his guests include james taylor. captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing intro music ) >> stephen: hey! hey! thank you very much! thank you! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. wow! welcome, my friends! thank you, my friends. thank you, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you. what's going on, john? what's going on john? what's going on dante? hey!
welcome to "the late show." thank so much, everybody. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) thank you! thanks, everybody. thanks so much. thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show" starring stephen colbert. i am he. i'm glad you're all sitting down because i have some disturbing news to report about our president. i'm sorry to say this. but i want to talk specifically about his inability to keep track of the conflicts between bloodthirsty leaders in the unstable region of westeros. ( laughter ) in an interview in "g.q.," president obama claims he loves "game of thrones," but he has trouble remembering the names of any of the characters. in fact-- this is true-- when they asked him his favorite character he said-- and i quote-- "my favorite character is
probably the dwarf. what's his name?" what's his name, mr. president! his name is tyrion lannister, of the house lannister. youngest son of lord tywin lannister, one-time richest man in the seven kingdoms and lord paramount of the westerlands. i thought you followed politics, sir! it doesn't make any sense. i mean, how you can survive in the geopolitical chess game if you can't tell the difference between tyrion of house lannister, and, say, jorah mormont, son of jeor mormont of house mormont, lords of bear island and the vassals of house stark in the north? you're asleep at the wheel, mr. president! ( cheers and applause ) you're asleep at the wheel! you're telling us you don't even remember hodor's name? well, i guess that's understandable, he only says it 50 times per episode. but perhaps most damning was what president obama said next, and again i quote: "the only one i remember is jon snow, because
i can pronounce jon snow." ( laughter ) sir, sir, that is adding insult to jon snow's fatal injury. oh, sorry, spoiler alert. so i strongly advise that you start watching a little more closely, mr. president. we're counting on you to bring peace to the seven kingdoms. and besides, nobody in all of "game of thrones" has a stranger name than barack obama. come on! sorry. i'm mad. anyway, we've got a great show for you tonight. i'll be talking with award-winning actor sharon stone. ( cheers and applause ) wonderful, very talented. she stars in the new tnt show "agent x" as the vice president. she's like a charming, sexy joe biden. so... joe biden. ( laughter ) i'll also be sitting down with justin theroux, star of hbo's
( cheers and applause ) you know what? it's on hbo. i wonder if president obama's favorite character "the dwarf" is in this one, too. i'm sorry, i can't let it go. and we'll have a musical performance from five-time grammy award winner james taylor. ( cheers and applause ) everybody-- everybody loves james taylor. or, as superfans call him, "tay-tay." that sound right there is jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) they're about to totally krump it. but before they do, one more thing: a new study found rectal thermometers are the best way to measure your body temperature. they're more accurate by 1.5 degrees, which scientists
describe as significant and everyone else describes as not worth it. >> tonight, stephen welcomes sharon stone. justin theroux. and a performance by james taylor. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thank you, jon!
thank you, sir. thank you, gentlemen. thank you, ladies. thank you everybody here. ( cheers and applause ) oh, that's nice. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. you know. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you so much. thank you. you know, i know-- i know you're here to get a show from us but i need the energy from you. you know, unfortunately, it's been a tough week for the world. and in times like these, i like sharing some good news. but instead i'm going to talk about donald trump. ( laughter ) his support keeps growing, with the latest poll from new hampshire showing him ahead by 22 points. 22. that's higher than the age of
and only slightly more than the number of candidates for president. ( laughter ) these men and women know that in the end, there can be only one. we all love watching the horse race, and most of these people like a horse, will be turned into glue because politics is a bloodsport. it's like "the hunger games." it's the "hungry for power games." ha, ha! yes! oh! greetings! yes! yes! tributes, assemble! ah, look at them. look at them! oh, yes. smiles as tight as a snare drum. so full of promise and iowa corn dogs. ( laughter ) but once again, citizens, a valiant campaign warrior has
gone to that great pancake breakfast in the sky. >> breaking news tonight in the presidential race. republican bobby jindal, the governor of louisiana, is dropping out. jindal never got out of single digits in the polls. >> my parents came to this country 45 years ago. they told me as a young child that americans can do anything. i believed them then. oh, so sad. not only did jindal have to drop out, he learned his parents have been lying to him. bobby, i have some terrible news about the tooth fairy. she's not voting for you, either. ha! love it! love it! ( cheers and applause ) mmmm! ( laughter ) and he started with such promise. this tribute's star has been rising ever since 2013, when he shared his vision for transforming his beloved republican party. >> the republican party doesn't
but we might need to change about everything else we are doing. we have to stop being the stupid party. it's no secret we had a number of republicans damage the brand this year with offensive and bizarre comments. i'm here to say we've had enough of that. >> stephen: apparently not! ( laughter ) because "offensive and bizarre" are in first and second place. ( cheers and applause ) yes, gentlemen! yes. bravo! bravo, bawfo, gentlemen, oh, yes. but it has been quite an adventure so far for jindal. who can forget the moment when he announced his campaign with a video recorded from behind a tree limb? this is the closest he'll ever get to the executive branch! ha, ha! rarrr. i'm a shark. rarrr. but once he had entered the hungry for power games, the governor proved to be very relatable because much like the
donald trump. >> here is the truth about donald trump. donald trump is shallow. there's no ideology. there's no policy. there's no intellectual curiosity. he's only for himself. the idea of donald trump's great. the reality is awful. >> stephen: i can see why voters were turned off by bobby jindal. that tree branch is less wooden than he is. ha, ha. word play. ( laughter ) this must be tough news for jindal's base, or whatever you call polling at 0.3%. 0.3%. now, to put that into perspective, that is-- doesn't matter. this is a pop tart. ( cheers and applause ) mmm! mmm! and so it is, with heavy hearts and a very light governor, we
( applause ) >> hi! >> stephen: well, it's a pleasure to have you here. >> thank you! it's a pleasure to be here. your show is so fabulous. >> stephen: oh, thank you. i love you right now immediately. >> i love you, too. you're such a smarty. >> stephen: oh, really? do you like the smarty-pants? >> i do like the smarty-pants. >> stephen: really? because the smarty guys, when i was in high school, we didn't get the pretty girls. i had to wait until later to get the smart pretty girls. >> when you're a smarty girl in high school you don't get asked out either. >> stephen: i understand you're a book girl. >> i am. >> stephen: do you grind them through five at a time. >> i am, i'm reading a few at the moment. i'm reading a book i like right now called "the presidents club." >> stephen: i don't know what that is. >> it's a book about the how all the presidents, whether they like each other as they went in they like the presidents who were behind them and they become
friends because who else knows what it's like to be president. and they talk about all the great things presidents and former presidents presidents presidents have done together. >> stephen: it's a funny thing you say that because people are surprised that me and kimmel and conan and fallon are actually friend. i'm noting. who else do we have to talk about this job arew. >> right. and you're all so good. >> stephen: we actually respect each other. i hope. i respect those guys. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's true, though, it's true, though. well, something i respect about you, young lady, is that you are-- >> call me young lady again. i kind of like that. >> stephen: young lady. not only young lady, but i gotta say-- and i think i can say this and not get a call from human resources. also sexy lady. this is "harper's bazaar." >> woo-hoo. >> stephen: you posed for
you can't pose for "playboy" anymore because they're getting rid of nude photos. >> i wasn't all the way nude. >> stephen: you're all the way nude here, man. >> well, i do have a necklace on. >> stephen: that's true. that's just because it was chilly. >> it was, it was. >> stephen: how do you-- how do you get the confidence to, you know, let it all hang out, shall we say? because i'm 51 years old, and i won't let anybody see me without socks on at this point. ( laughter ) where do you-- >> do you have webbed feet or something? >> stephen: no, but i have that thing where you wear socks too long and there's no hair from-- you know what i'm talking about, where it pulls all the hair out? i have old man ankles. i don't want to people to see that. >> it's kind of like truckers' arm with the tan. >> stephen: you have a three-decade-long career now, and you don't seem to, you know, be fazed at all by what has been
not most warm embraces actresses as they reach their 50s. you just keep trucking. >> you know, i think the key to happiness is to first accept yourself, and i think we have to accept ourselves for who we are. and by the time you're in your 50s, you gotta like it or then what? i think if you want to like others, you have to like yourself. ( applause ). >> stephen: i think there's a paramount to like there. >> and it's also good to like the airbrusher? >> stephen: oh, really? i gotta get me one of those. that will be great. airbrusher. okay. you're my idea of a movie star. you've done huge movies. >> thank you. >> stephen: you've been nominated for golden globes, nominated for oscars. you've really stretched yourself. your new show which we're also executive producing, is called "agent x." >> "agent x," tnt. >> stephen: that was the that wasn't the actress.
that was the executive producer. >> i'm proud of it. >> stephen: you should be. it's base on this premise about something we don't been the vice president. explain what the vice president find out. the first day the vice president comes into office in "agent x." >> i think what happens to anyone who becomes president or vice president is they're pretty surprised on day one because i don't think anybody knows what it really is like. in the case of our show, the vice president finds out there's a clause in the constitution that she doesn't know about which says that-- and it is so that when the vice president is sworn in they say something different than the president which is that they swear to protect the country against enemies foreign and domestic. and in this case, she does that by dispatching a secret agent. who is super handsome and cute. he's a guy named jeff hephner, who plays our agent "x." >> stephen: and the constitution says basically you have your own one-man hit squad you can send out to kill people. >> yeah.
>> stephen: didn't dick cheney have that already? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> i think dick cheney was his own one-man hit squad. >> stephen: yeah. in this world, does the president know that the vice president has this, like, one-man hit squad? >> well, here's the thing. in this world, our president was a former vice president. >> stephen: so, of course, he knows. >> so he knows. >> stephen: all right. >> but he can't talk to me about it now that he's president. >> stephen: he has to pretend. >> he has presidential amnesia. you know how men get that? >> stephen: here's a clip from the show and it is i believe the agent at the time-- what's the agent's name. >> agent "x," john case. >> you need to be aware that this country is in crisis. every last one of us. >> with all due respect, ma'am, vice president, i did not come up here for you to change my mind. i came up here to say good-bye. >> i understand that you didn't choose this job, that this job
ralph waldo emerson said, "a hero isn't braver than the ordinary man. he's just braver five minutes longer." this is your five minutes, john. ( applause ). >> stephen: wow. there was an incredible cast along with you. there's an incredible cast. james earl jones is in this. >> chief justice of the supreme court. >> stephen: which i think he would do a great job even as james earl jones. >> right. >> stephen: you're a real tough cookie. >> am i. >> stephen: you fought back-- a while back you had a brain hemorrhage. >> oh, yes, i did. i had a massive nine-day brain hemorrhage. >> stephen: a nine-day brain hemorrhage. >> that kind of explains it all, doesn't it? >> stephen: what did you have to fight back from? what kind of impairment did you face? >> i had everything. i lost some of my hearing in my
right ear for a while. i lost my ability to read for a couple of years. i lost feeling in my left leg to my knee. i couldn't walk at first. i couldn't write my name fair very long time. i stuttered. i got what's called brain seizure disorder. all kind-- you know. don't have one. don't have one. >> stephen: how long did it take you to get right? >> well, it takes a long time. you have your initial recovery where you're kind of up and around and doing the basic things. but then over time, you know, because you have short-term memory loss and then long-term memory loss and sometimes you meet people and they say, "hey." and you think i don't know you. and they start to tell you stories and you think,"god, i'm glad i forgot." ( laughter ) so there's benefits to it. but it takes a long time to get-- because before that i had kind of a photographic memory. and, you know, it's taken a long time for that to come back.
so i had to learn how to learn because the way i learned before was like, "yup, got it." and so i had to learn how to learn differently. >> stephen: well, i'm glad it takes more than a brain hemorrhage to stop sharon stone. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: sharon stone, ladies and gentlemen. "agent x" airs sunday nights at 9:00 p.m. on tnt. we'll be right back. the way? try nexium 24hr, now the #1 selling brand for frequent heartburn. get complete protection with the new leader in frequent heartburn. that's nexium level protection. other wireless carriers make families share data.
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and he stars in the hbo series can the "the leftovers." >> laura just told me i was a psychotic, they belonged in a mental hospital, like my dad. that was his diagnosis, too, psychotic. i saw him right before i came here. and he told me the voices were gone. that he was cured. and i asked him how. you know what he told me, patty? he said he finally just did what they told him to do. >>efin, stop! >> good-bye.
please welcome justin theroux! ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: hi, how are you? >> i'm good. how are you doing. >> stephen: he's fine, right, he's fine, right? >> he's great. he's going to be great. >> stephen: that voices thing that he says, the voices in your head. your head? >> mmm... thoughts. i mean, i've thought things. >> stephen: no, voices, like-- >> actual auditory. >> stephen: unbidden thoughts that tell you to do things. >> no, at most it's a phone in my pocket. >> stephen: i what this once for a little while-- this is true-- it turns out i was taking too much sudafed. >> really? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. kind of scary there, kind of scary. >> why were you taking so much sudafed. >> stephen: because i was working really hard and i don't want to take speed. ( laughter ) well, congratulations. you know, obviously you've got a big event in your life.
magazine's sexiest man alive. >> there i am. >> stephen: this isn't you. >> no. >> stephen: this is david beckham. you're back here. you're sexy. you're not as sexy as beckham. you're sexy to this degree, in their opinion. >> right where they dogear. >> stephen: fold that down right here. is this your first time hitting the list, going to the show, as we call it? >> i didn't even know i was in that magazine. >> stephen: oh, yeah? >> i didn't. >> stephen: you didn't realize the level of sexiness you had achieved? >> i did not, i did not. >> stephen: this is official. >> it's official. if "people" says it, i guess it is. >> stephen: but you're aware that you're a sexy person. >> god bless you. >> stephen: no, come on. you're a very masculine guy. >> i'll take it. motorcycle, leather jacket. you used to do graffiti, break dance and everything. >> break dance i wouldn't say is the most masculine. >> stephen: it's not? i can't do it. >> when you're 44, no, it's not the most-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, here's one of the most impressive things about you.
not only are you a successful actor and a successful sexy man. >> sexy person. >> stephen: but you're also an acclaimed writer. you're writing credits include "tropic thunder," which is to me-- ( applause ) ( cheers ) maybe pound for pound one of the funniest things-- >> me and ben wrote that together. >> stephen: ben's not here, justin. >> i did it. >> stephen: if ben wants a compliment, he can sit on that chair right there. in the meantime, you wrote it. >> all right, i wrote it tonight. don't tell anyone. >> stephen: yeah, that movie is so funny to me, that my children and my wife actually thought there was something wrong with me. they walked into the room and only saw my face and didn't see what was on tv. and they thought i was sick. because i couldn't breathe. >> oh, my god. it was. >> that means an enormous amount you. you have written one of my-- if you haven't watched the complete season of "strangers with candy" that you wrote --
i wrote with that paul dinello and amy sedaris. i didn't write that by myself. >> they're not here right now! right over there. but he can't come out right now. we'll get him out here later. >> that to me you can get everything you need to know from seasons. >> stephen: that's very nice. >> and it was an enormous influence on me. >> stephen: i like you even more than sharon stone right >> >> and she's not here. >> stephen: you also, in season two-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> now you hate me more than sharon stone. >> stephen: no, no, no, i loch it. i love it. you beat me to the punch. upper also the star of the "the leftovers" on hbo. this is season two. for people who don't know out there, 2% of the population has disappeared, right? >> 2% or 3% of the population
vanishes mysteriously in unknown circumstance displz and that's a bad thing. >> it's a horrifying thing. at least to the people on my show, it's a horrible thing. >> stephen: and it's-- everyone's really depressed that they're the ones who are left behind and not knowing what's happened in the world. >> i think it's the not knowing where people went that makes people depressed-- it's the not knowing what happened. when things are unexplained or mysteries are unexplaipped it creates frustration or anxiety in people, which it much like life, when people die or go away. >> stephen: the show has an amazing tension when you watch it. you feel the enormous weight and almost the guilt that people have that they are still there and the other people are gone. >> yeah. >> stephen: is it depressing to shoot? >> yeah. ( laughter ) the first season we kept it really serious and sort of quiet rolling. the second season we realized we'd all throw ourselves off
cliff if we didn't create some levity on the set. >> stephen: one of the things some of your directors have said, david lynch, for instance, have said you can tell how hard-- you can actually see the thoughts on the face of justin theroux. that you can really see the thinking of a justin theroux. when he's not talking, like, you can see the wheels turning. >> so i guess it's a nice thing to say? >> stephen: when i heard that-- also, other directors have said that about you, too. >> yeah. i think, you know, in a lot of our-- we have a lot of lingering kind of shots where you're having to try to tell the story through your eyes and also a lot of, you know-- you can only-- there are many ways to do sort of the anguish or the different versions of the pain that these people are in. i think a lot of us on the show do the same thing, you know, where you're having to tell the story with your face. >> stephen: but not everyone has your eyebrows. >> no. >> stephen: i've been known to act with my eyebrows as well could i-- could i-- could i challenge you to an eyebrow acting contest?
( cheers and applause ) >> i accept that challenge. >> stephen: thank you. i accept that challenge. all right, thunk! i throw my eyebrow down. i have here-- and we haven't had a chance to go over this yet so this is all going to be a surprise for us. i have a list here that our folks put together of things that i'm going to say "you're thinking," and you have to show me you're thinking it with only your eyebrows. >> okay. >> stephen: i need you to act from the nose up. >> the nose up, okay. ( laughter ). >> stephen: wait a second. what's my apple i.d. again? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) pick any one. >> okay. ( cheers and applause ) ( clears throat ) these shoes are so uncomfortable. hang on a second. ( laughter )
diput these on the right feet? ( cheers and applause ) you're like the babe ruth of eyebrows. >> stephen: what-- what if all the people missing on "the leftovers" just all went to the bathroom at the same time? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> okay. let's see. at what point does a flatbread become a pizza? ( laughter ) pretty good. >> stephen: is it ever appropriate to tip your dentist? ( laughter )
>> is that smell coming from me? ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: if i think something dirty enough, will cbs sensor my eyebrows? ( laughter ) lift your head up. lift your head up. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: "the leftovers" is on hbo. justin theroux. thank you very much. we'll be right back. pc does whaaat?! (music begins. the song, danger zone by kenny loggins plays from the pc)
hey, guy! pc does what?! shhhh pc does what no pc has done before. does yours? correct, i have a life mate. is that consequential? mmm..ehh with whom are you communicating? jake, from planet state farm. jake, from planet state farm at o three hundred hours? state your identity. it is jake, from planet state farm, home of discount double check.
grammy award winner, rock and roll hall of fame inductee, and, at the end of this month, he will receive the presidential medal of freedom. singing "montana" from the album "before this world," ladies and gentlemen, james taylor. ( cheers and applause ) i'm not fast enough for this life i've been livin' a little bit slow for the pace of the game it's not i'm ungrateful for all i've been given
but nevertheless, just the same i wish to my soul i was back in montana high on my mountain and deep in the snow back in my cabin over the valley and under the blankets with you over the ocean from here over the mountains from there who can imagine the scale of the forces that pushed this old mountain range up in the sky?
erosion, mutation somethin' to pleasure god's eye the world is a wonder of lightnin' and thunder and green of the ground as we fall from the sky the old and new faces, the tribes and the races thousands of places to try over the ocean from here over the mountains from there now one sits and waits while the other one wanders
with a life on the road down from the mountain, across the wide ocean the world is in motion and it cannot be slowed enough for today the demands of the moment the thing on my mind is the work in my hand wood for the woodstove and water for coffee things i can still understand we got a few friends but not many neighbors the trip into town takes us most of the day and after, "hello," and "it's sure good to see you" it seems like
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. james, thank you for being here tonight. tay-tay, i love jur songs and i have my whole life, but what i love even more siunderstand you never stop working on them. i consider my songs to be living they're always growing. for example, i'm still working on "fire and rain." >> stephen: "fire and rain"? that's perfect. i've seen fire and i've seen rain i've seen sunny days i thought would never end. that's just perfect. >> the thing is, i wrote that in 1970, and i just hadn't seen that much back then. mostly fire and rain. that's why i keep saying it over and over again in the song. >> stephen: okay, so you've seen other stuff since then. >> oh, yeah. like those pizzas that are folded over and the edges are
crimped. >> stephen: you mean like a calzone? >> a calzone, yeah. i definitely would've added them to the song. and now i have. >> stephen: wow. you're saying if you had seen calzone what would you have done? >> i would have added them to "fire and rain." "fire and rain and calzone." wow. ( applause ) are you telling me you've updated "fire and rain" to include everything you've seen since 1970. i can't imagine what that sounds like? >> you don't have to imagine, stephen, because we rehearsed it before the show. >> stephen: all right, let's do it. >> okay. ( cheers and applause )
and i've seen rain i've seen the rise and fall of the beanie babies trend i've seen man buns, myspace, and the baja men but i never thought i'd see a new "star wars" again ( cheers and applause ) >> once i looked down and saw some sneakers that had wheels built in the heel i've seen grandmas reading "50 shades of grey" i've seen rainbow suspenders and gluten-free brown sugar special k >> oh, i've seen snakes
upon a plane i've seen shampoo with conditioner built in i've seen al roker's body go from fat to thin ( laughter ) and i kinda hoped to see left shark again >> saw a strange pizza pie and it caught my eye it was folded into a pouch lord knows what you call those i should've asked the pizza guy >> calzone. well, there's bud light lime and there's cyber crime. and flavor-crystal gum quidditch teams and skinny jeans cutting blood off from my thighs
multigrain i've seen almost every episode of "friends" i've seen adult diapers i think they're called depends but i never saw that show with the olson twins >> stephen: it's called "full house." how many more verses are there here, james? >> 75, stephen, 75. >> stephen: we have to go to commercial, james, we'll be right back. oh, i've seen seinfeld and elaine >> stephen: james taylor, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) i've seen sunny days that i thought would never endhi, i'd like to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vo: it happens so often
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captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org allons enfants de la patrie le jour de gloire est arrive! ( cheers and applause ) contre nous de la tyrannie, l'etendard sanglant est leve, entendez-vous dans les campagnes mugir ces feroces soldats? ils viennent jusque dans vos bras egorger vos fils, vos compagnes!